Gay loneliness is more common than many realize. Learn why it happens and discover coping strategies that support connection and emotional wellbeing.
Author: Matt Clements, Ed.M, C.A.S.
Gay Loneliness and Queer Loneliness
“We are facing an epidemic of loneliness in our times.” We’ve all heard this somewhere. You might know that loneliness in young adults has steadily increased for decades.1 Or that social media and the Covid-19 pandemic have worsened the situation.1 What we often don’t often hear about is how this epidemic has hit certain communities more than others. LGBTQIA+ people are much more affected than other groups.
About a third of straight and cis-identifying people report feeling frequently lonely.2 While this is already quite high, the rate of loneliness was twice as high for gender non-conforming people (63.9%). Loneliness was almost as prevalent for trans people as well (56.4-62.6%).2
Additionally, more than half of bisexual people (56.7%) feel lonely frequently.2 Almost half of lesbian and gay people experience similar levels of loneliness too (44.8% and 41.2% respectively).2
In other words, queer loneliness is real. Trans loneliness is real. Gay loneliness is real.
Experiences of Gay Loneliness
For queer people, loneliness looks different across our lifetimes and for different groups within the larger LGBTQIA+ community. Queer loneliness is influenced by the contexts we live in, societal and familial expectations, systemic oppression, and other factors. Let’s take a look at gay loneliness in particular:
External Contextual Factors
Many of the factors provoking loneliness in gay men exist outside of the LGBTQIA+ community and outside of our control. Discrimination and a lack of a social support network are two factors that significantly impact gay loneliness.3 Pressure to conform to the cultural standards of heterosexual society and to the expectations of other gay men also contribute to loneliness.3 The age and geographic location of a gay man also plays a part. Older gay men and those living outside of cities tend to report more loneliness.3
Isolation in Straight Society
Feeling left out of the dominant culture often fosters loneliness. When gay men are excluded from straight society (sometimes with violence), they become disconnected from those who are part of that culture.4 Living outside the norm, we do not always have people in our lives who see and validate our experiences as gay men.4 Comparing ourselves negatively against heterosexual norms can further disconnect us from community.4
Childhood Experiences
Many gay men feel disconnected from their peers throughout childhood. Childhood gay loneliness can set in due to the social exclusion of being teased, mocked, and bullied.4 Or loneliness can arise as a result of being physically isolated from peers.4 Some gay men even report that the loneliness they felt as children has carried over into adulthood.4 These feelings in turn affect their current thoughts and actions.4
Internal Conflicts
Our own internal thoughts, emotions, and worries (influenced by broader society) can also bring about gay loneliness. Gay men may fear being rejected by friends or by romantic and sexual partners.3 Some of us learn to censor, isolate, or hide ourselves away in order to protect ourselves.3 Internalized shame and homophobia can arise within us.3 All of these internal conflicts can lead to further isolation.
Loneliness with Other Gay Men
Experiences within our own community and with other gay men can also lead to increased loneliness. Many gay men point to rejection based on their appearance or physique as a factor that has distanced them from other gay men.4 Even when we are able to form friendships with other gay men, romantic or sexual tension between friends can cause a rift.4 While casual hookups can be exciting in the moment, many gay men describe feeling alienated and empty afterwards.4
Why This Matters and What We Can Do
Why is this important?
Loneliness is a social determinant of health, meaning that it has a direct effect on our physical health as well as our mental health.5 Feeling more lonely can lead to higher levels of depression and stress. It can also increase risk of stroke, heart disease, type 2 diabetes, dementia, and even premature death.2
Queer people who feel less lonely and are more socially connected reduce their risk of suicide significantly.6 Gay loneliness is also associated with a higher likelihood of substance use issues and risky sexual behavior.3
Coping Strategies for Loneliness
Intentionally fostering community and building sustained close connections with friends, partners, and family can reduce our experiences of loneliness.3 Engaging in frequent social activity, joining queer social groups, and volunteering have also been shown to mitigate gay loneliness. This is especially so for people holding several marginalized intersectional identities.3
Studies suggest seeking social connection off of location-based apps can increase social connectedness.3 Avoiding the instant gratification of casual hookups may also decrease loneliness.3
Letting go of our adherence to cultural norms can help us feel more free from the expectations of society. We can also deliberately resist and interrupt discrimination and rejection both in and out of our community.
Leaning into independence and enjoying solitary experiences may also mitigate against feelings of loneliness.3
Support groups and one-on-one therapy with a qualified, informed therapist can also be helpful. Know that you are not alone. Our therapists here at Authentic Care Counseling have the knowledge and skills to support you through this epidemic of queer and gay loneliness. Contact us today to learn more.
Note: Although the loneliness epidemic has been studied quite a bit in recent years, there is still far less research on loneliness in the LGBTQIA+ community. This blog post focuses on gay loneliness specifically as it is currently what has been most studied. We hope to continue to explore the research that does exist on loneliness experiences amongst other groups in a future blog post. We hope that some of the ideas raised here resonate across the LGBTQIA+ rainbow more broadly.
Footnotes:
1 Office of the Surgeon General (OSG). (2023). Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation: The U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory on the Healing Effects of Social Connection and Community. US Department of Health and Human Services.
2 Bruss KV, Seth P, Zhao G. (2022). Loneliness, Lack of Social and Emotional Support, and Mental Health Issues — United States. Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report (2024); 73:539–545. DOI: http://dx.doi.org/10.15585/mmwr.mm7324a1
3 Brumfield & Dahlenburg (2025): Experiences of Loneliness Among Gay Men: A Systematic Review and Meta-Synthesis, Journal of Homosexuality, DOI: 10.1080/00918369.2025.2496202
4 Kromholz & Barak (2023) The Experience of Loneliness Among Gay Men in Israel: A Qualitative Study, Journal of Homosexuality, 70:12, 2784-2805, DOI: 10.1080/00918369.2022.2076575
5 Holt-Lunstad, Julianne. (2022). Social Connection as a Public Health Issue: The Evidence and a Systemic Framework for Prioritizing the “Social” in Social Determinants of Health. Annual Review Public Health. 43:193-213. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-publhealth-052020-110732
6 Kaniuka, A., Pugh, K. C., Jordan, M., Brooks, B., Dodd, J., Mann, A. K., … Hirsch, J. K. (2019). Stigma and suicide risk among the LGBTQ population: Are anxiety and depression to blame and can connectedness to the LGBTQ community help? Journal of Gay & Lesbian Mental Health, 23(2), 205–220. https://doi.org/10.1080/19359705.2018.1560385
